A skill we could all strengthen in 2020: emotional granularity
If we were on a phone or video call together and I asked you how you were doing, I'm pretty sure I know how'd you'd answer. That's because there only seem to be a few acceptable answers to give:
Good. Alright. Fine. Maybe the occasional "OK."
I get it. I often find myself answering that way. The words escape from my mouth automatically before I can even catch them. At worst, it's a lie. At best, it's relative. The thought process is something like "well, yesterday I was an uncomfortable pregnant woman living in a pandemic, in a teetering democracy that devalues Black lives. I couldn't go out outside because of falling ash due to climate change caused wildfires, BUT today I can breathe and go outside, so I'm 'good!'"
Sometimes we answer this way because we're in a time-crunched, transactional situation or because we are attempting to acknowledge how good we have it compared with what others are experiencing in these times. Sometimes it's because we understand that the person asking is not looking for a real answer at all. But we also give these same responses to our loved ones, and sometimes even to ourselves.
When we aren't aware of our own emotions, it doesn't help us, our relationships, or the people in our lives.
Emotional granularity
I'm finding the concept of emotional granularity (a term coined by Northeastern University psychology professor Lisa Feldman Barrett) helpful in this moment. It's the ability to put feelings into words with a high degree of specificity and precision. In her book How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain Barrett writes:
"One of the best things you can do for your emotional health is to beef up your concepts of emotions. Suppose you knew only two emotion concepts: "Feeling Awesome" and "Feeling Crappy." Whenever you experienced an emotion or perceived someone else as emotional, you'd categorize only with this broad brush, which isn't very emotionally intelligent. But if you could distinguish finer meanings within "Awesome" (happy, content, thrilled, relaxed, joyful, hopeful, inspired, prideful, adoring, grateful, blissful . . .), and fifty shades of "Crappy" (angry, aggravated, alarmed, spiteful, grumpy, remorseful, gloomy, mortified, uneasy, dread-ridden, resentful, afraid, envious, woeful, melancholy . . .), your brain would have many more options for predicting, categorizing and perceiving emotions, providing you with the tools for more flexible and useful responses. You could predict and categorize your sensations more efficiently and better suit your actions to your environment."
One small example: I read an article the other day that made me feel "bad." After giving it some more thought, I realized I felt aggravation, exasperation, a hint of despair, but, most of all, defiance. That realization led me to a next step (redoubling my get out the vote efforts), whereas stopping at a vague negative emotion might have just left me feeling down. There was something that felt satisfying about being able to put my finger on how I was feeling, and I felt some power in being able to use that knowledge to decide what I wanted to do next.
It sounds simple and, in a sense, it is. But it’s not something most of us are especially practiced in, so you might be wondering how to better pinpoint your more precise emotions. It's not as easy as memorizing some master list of emotions. In truth, there's no scientific consensus on how many human emotions exist, or whether there is a fixed number of human emotions at all. So what can we do to build this muscle for the benefit of ourselves and those around us?
Get in touch with your own emotions
At a high level, we can take the time to notice how we're feeling and expand our emotional vocabulary. Here are a few ways you might start:
Ask yourself "What's my version of 'good'?"
This is a question my coach uses with me, and that I've started using with my clients. I like it because it forces you to look one level deeper, but it's still easy to use in conversation with others. You can ask this of yourself and also out in the world without sounding like a coach. And it works! You might find a more specific emotion than good, and you might find that how you’re feeling isn’t even “good” at all.
Ask yourself "What three words describe how I'm feeling in mind, body, and spirit right now?"
This is another gem from my community of coaches. It requires a significant pause to check in with yourself on these three levels, and people I work with often find they aren't immediately aware of what they're feeling at that moment.
Reference an emotion wheel
There are countless variations on Robert Plutchik's emotion wheel out there on the internet. For me, it's less about which specific emotions are on each wheel and more about helping you start to recognize new, more precise language to describe how you're feeling. It’s a great place to start if you’re feeling stuck. Here's a beautiful version of the emotion wheel by Abby VanMuijen, founder of Berkeley's Roguemark Studios.
Use the concept of emotional granularity to strengthen your relationships
Share your more granular emotions with your family and friends. Once you start to recognize your more complex emotions, practice articulating them to others, most importantly your family and friends. This can provide them with greater insight into how they can best support you. It’s not easy for someone to know how to support you if all they can glean from you is that you seem grumpy. How might you better enlist support if someone knew you were feeling hurt, ignored, or overwhelmed?
Use the concept of emotional granularity to support the people you care about
Dig deeper with the people in your life to understand their more granular emotions. Use some of the questions you asked yourself with the person you're talking to. And then listen! Note that sometimes it's easier to explain to the other person first what you're trying to do: use more specific language for your own emotions and take the time to better understand their emotions to better support them.
It’s all simple stuff, but it’s powerful! Getting clearer on your own specific emotions will help you deepen your self-understanding and help you take appropriate action. At the same time, building your skills around emotional granularity can help you strengthen the relationships in your life. It's a beneficial skill at any time, but it feels especially critical in 2020. So, I'm curious: how are you doing?
