A simple exercise for reframing fixed-mindset thinking
Have you ever noticed what people do when you ask them about their strengths? Most people, in my experience, take a minute to think. They might tilt their head, with a searching look on their face, as they summon up a handful of responses. Sometimes I'll ask someone about their strengths, and they'll start in on what they're not good at. They'll talk for so long on that topic that I have to gently interrupt to remind them that wasn't the question I asked.
For most of us, the list of things we're bad at is much closer to the surface. We know right where to find it, because we reference it all the time. I imagine it like a giant stone tablet in your mind. On it are carved the things we aren't good at. Many of the things have lived on the list so long that they've become part of our identities.
We are NOT GOOD AT MATH. BAD AT SMALL TALK. A MESS IN THE KITCHEN.
Some of the things on our list we trot out in jest (I'm a terrible singer!), and some are more consequential, having real impacts on our lives and career (I can't handle conflict!). Either way, they are things that matter to us, at least a little, or we wouldn't keep such close track; they're things we wish we could do or feel we should be able to do. This accumulated list of our limitations and deficiencies can start to feel like a weight on our shoulders, and it can affect (sometimes subconsciously) where we decide to show up in our lives and how.
There's a lot we could examine about why this happens and what we could do about it that I won't cover today, but I wanted to share one quick reframing exercise that I do to lessen the power of those unempowering thoughts and feelings.
I'll use an example of a thought that plagued me in the Before Times. I had it in my head that, as an adult of a certain age, I should be able to throw a fabulous dinner party for my friends. I felt I should be able to serve a delicious homemade dinner, on time, in a calm and relaxed manner. And yet, every time I attempted this, I was a ball of stress. I'm behind! The kitchen's a mess! This dish doesn't taste as good as I thought it would! I'm NOT A GOOD COOK and I'm TERRIBLE AT ENTERTAINING, I told myself.
Does that sound familiar to anyone? When I catch myself in this pattern of thinking, I try to do the following:
Recognize fixed-mindset thinking: There's a quote from Carol Dweck's book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, that I find especially helpful in reframing my thinking: "People with the fixed mindset expect ability to show up on its own, before any learning takes place. After all, if you have it, you have it. If you don't, you don't." Often I find I am doing exactly that: expecting to be good at something before putting in any of the necessary efforts to make it so.
Reframe how you talk about it to yourself and others: Instead of telling myself the story that I'm bad at entertaining, I tell myself "I haven't invested much time in learning how to throw a good dinner party." Throwing the kind of party I strive for takes work! People who are good at hosting invest time in learning how to cook. They practice getting the timing right. They probably don't make a dish for the first time for their guests, at least at first. Have I invested that time? In this case, the answer is no. And ignoring that erases the work other people put in to be good.
Consider whether you want to make a different choice: Once I've gotten clear with myself that I haven't invested the time and effort, I ask myself: do I want to? Where have I invested my time instead? Do I want to keep investing my time that way? Or shift some time to learning how to be a better dinner party host?
Don't get caught up in the "hustle fallacy." Let's be clear about what I'm not saying: that you should feel the pressure to use every single waking moment on self-improvement and "productive" activities. The answer here is not to invest time in all the things. In fact, in going through this exercise I often conclude that I'm pretty satisfied with the way I'm spending my time now, and it helps me let go of the stress of "not being good" at something. I haven't invested my time in that thing, and that's ok! I only have so much time! I always have the option of choosing to invest time in learning how to cook a special meal and what I value (the time with people I care about) is just as possible with an easy meal as an elaborate one.
At the end of the day, issues of identity and mindset are complicated. This reframing exercise certainly isn't a fix-all, but I've gotten a lot of mileage out of making this small change in how I talk to myself about myself. Where can you apply this reframe to your life? What if you saw the thing you are "inherently" bad at as a skill to be developed?
